On the sofa, candles lit, music flowing through my headphones into my ears and I feel very warm. Not very unusual, I must admit. The warmth, it’s energy racing through my veins, through my entire body. My body aches a bit, but I’m sure it will pass. I really enjoy moments like these; home alone at night, listening to chill music, being in my own world completely. I visualise an image of myself in a non-material environment. Nothing but air, clouds or something dreamy that’s comparable. Slowly, I’m floating as if I were floating in the sea, enjoying the sun. I am smiling, I feel nothing but peace and love, being very happy.
Yes, often before I have had this image and or feeling. In which I’d love to disappear, simply vanish. Again and again I return to these moments; a strong desire for another place, somewhere in this universe. As a human being I don’t understand one bit of it. I’m not trying to seek the logical explanations for it, when it comes to what or where it supposedly is, that I’m longing for soul-wise. Still, I’m consciously recognizing these moments more and more often lately. Am I going to lose myself in the long run, when I keep going along with this? And, who or what exactly is “myself” truly?
I rarely talk about myself, about what’s constantly going on inside of me. About my feelings, my deep fears, the hurt, the extreme amount of deep unconditional love I have and the need to share it, the leftover pieces of anger still lingering somewhere in me. The “supernatural” I experience daily. If it even is that, because, who determines what’s natural and what isn’t, right? Isn’t everything to be considered a miracle? The process of birth, the process of dying, the way nature shows its beauty. Obviously it’s so much better for one to express all that’s held inside. But, I’ve noticed that I find that quite difficult. I’m great when it comes to coaching people, listening to them, giving others advice and make others feel comfortable. To say and write things that make people think and see the other sides to things. When it comes to my personal, deep inner core, it usually gladly stays hidden. Besides, many people these days aren’t even open to listening to anybody else but themselves. I’m not bitter about this, but I think there’s something wrong with the way people are behaving nowadays, cold and egoistic, if not egotistic. Fortunately that doesn’t count for everybody, obviously.
A couple of days ago I said to someone: “Regularly, it feels like I’m living fifty lives at once. I’m experiencing the feelings of being everybody and everything all together at once.” In a way, that’s a truth, since we all come from one and the same energy, so to speak. I said: “I see things, hear things, feel things, experience so many many things”. Both logical and known, but also unexplainable and non-human. I’m being labeled with AD(H)D, HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I’m not surprised if there are more labels, part of all this. Except, I am not a big believer when it comes to labels. Well, it’s just a name to make it easier to talk about, I guess. But, instead of teaching people how to deal with these situations from birth and see the beautiful things that arise when giving people more freedom with just BEING, all those lables are seen as a illness. An aberration to be treated with chemicals and what not, because it’s not mainstream. Well, a big F*** YOU to society! Why should anybody be treated differently from another? Ah, “sigh”.
Right, all those experiences inside of me. How to even describe them? The way we people communicate, with words, is a major shortcoming. In my opinion, words can never ever completely describe the way you feel or what you experience. NEVER! That is exactly the reason nobody will ever be able to understand you, not completely. Unless that someone [or something] is able to communicate at such a level with you, feelings and experiences will be carried forward with the least of words, if not no words at all.
I feel misunderstood in this world. Maybe even more often misunderstood than understood. I am sure I am not alone in this. Is it a necessity to be understood? Actually, I don’t think so. Maybe feeling like you’re understood, that might trigger more of a happy fullfillment than it would be a necessity, is it not? But feeling like you are understood isn’t the same as actually being understood, let alone being understood completely. In my opinion, the most important thing is for people to be accepting, respectful and to love one another unconditionally. To just let everyone BE. Although,it still seems to become a difficult situation when people don’t at least try to understand each other. Or might that just be pretence?
Lost in an unforgettable vision
Caught in a far-away dream
On a journey to oblivion
Sometimes makes me want to scream
Butterflies set to be my guide
Return home and peacefully stay
Embrace all completely, don’t hide
Be that colourful fountain of lights, everyday