Circle of repetition

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I love you with all of my heart
So pure, unconditional and true
I love in your direction
With my each and every part
You maintained to pursue
So we intensely shared our affection

This is definitely not a first
Because we’ve known each other for so long
I remember the immediate attraction we both felt
There was always that connection, so strong

Then suddenly you shattered my heart
In a thousand pieces it broke
You made me feel so sad and cold
But we would never stay apart
We could never really let it go
Always we came back to one another, to hold

Now you want us to be forever apart
Thus in a million pieces my heart broke
Many times you’ve hurt me before
But I felt completely numb when you last spoke

I keep picking up the pieces, over and again
Yet this time my heart might no longer heal
I will definitely keep loving you forever
But next time, don’t expect my heart’s here again for you to steal

Though the hurt and the tears that I yet again cry
I choose to forgive, one day you’ll realise and see
Once more, time will have passed by
You’ll miss what you’ve lost and search in others to find me
But I will have moved on for good by then
And live oh so happily

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Spellbound

insight

Staring into an everlasting depth
A never ending distance
Images of darkness and sparkling light
Aquiesced, I let it all pass by

Wandering through this Universe
Numbed by questioned memories
Confronted with a diversity of emotions
Pieces of abhorrent history and
the complexity of simplified beauty alternate

Like a newborn, discovering
Astonished by the fair reflection of love
While gazing into the mirrors of the core
Like looking through a magnifying glass
Discovering a fountain of glistening fire
Ready to erupt and alleviate the world

Entanglement

Caught in invisible shackles
Blinded by the phantasm of freedom
Tortured by self-inflicted imprisonment
Standing in the midst of it all
Gasping for air, searching for a way out
Ego-stroking zombies, hungry for power
Burning the world around us
We’re strangling ourselves, we’ll feel the blisters,
for we are this world

Happy B-day 02

Some say ignorance is bliss. Others would say thinking just thát is the ignorant part. In the end both are right as they are wrong. I can see some truth in both to be honest. Not knowing can make you worry less, yet unaware of the world at the same time. Doesn’t that make you less self-aware since you are that same world? Many times I experience this world as if I’m standing exactly in the middle of an intersection or roundabout, overseeing it all. It feels like time is moving fast forward and therefore the world around me. All passes me by in the speed of light, so it seems. Just like a million thoughts and images cross my mind in just one simple second. Quite difficult to keep up when trying to make a clear picture of all that. Let alone trying to focus on the reality around you. At the same time I feel I understand everything I experience in that moment. I see, hear, feel it all so clearly. It’s  like I process everything a million times faster than people usually do. But does that make it true?

Regularly a feeling of deep sadness befalls me. Thoughts and feelings travelling through me. About my choices and its consequences, what’s been put in my head from birth, what and who is truly me.  It’s about random things, people I know or have never met and so on. The indoctrination of my whole being, that led to hiding my true self from this world. Putting on that mask to be malleable. Molded into something I am not, something we all essentially aren’t. When I look around and experience this world, I miss true connection. Not only concerning myself, but the true connection in general, between people and nature. I am aware that nobody’s the same precisely… or are we? In the core we are. People still live (survive) alongside each other, instead of truly living together. Obviously this is not a black and white situation for it is never just one or the other.

I often feel torn between my “ones or anothers”. To live with symptoms, of what society calls ADD/ADHD, HSP and a possible mild personality disorder and depression, turns out to be quite challenging. To put highly spiritually “active” on top of it. I’m not one to (easily) believe in the “labels” people seem to get stuck with so easily, but I do understand the fact a label might make it easier to talk about the effects of the symptoms. Experiencing life in constant extremes can be exhausting, especially when you don’t know how to balance it all. For people who might think what I say is crazy or some sort of affectation, I will try to give you examples of what it feels like on a day to day basis. Because I haven’t found my tricks to retrieve that balance and inner peace yet. Besides the fact that I care less and less about other people’s judgements and preconceptions.
One day I can feel great, full of energy, feeling like I can deal with the whole world at once. It’s like you have a hundred or million times more energy than what is considered to be “a normal healthy energy level”. But most days I feel easily tired or even exhausted to the maximum Sometimes without even doing a lot. Both situations can make it very difficult to focus. It can be caused by walking in the city for an hour or going to a birthday with just five people attending. I am extremely sensitive to incentives, so for me the smallest things or situations can give me way too much incentives. The reaction, physically and/or mentally can vary, so I’m not really aware up front of how I will feel later. Though after all these experiences I can guess a bit nowadays. Sometimes it causes me to want to sleep for days. Sometimes it makes me sick and other times I start to feel nervous, agitated or very emotional, because of the million thoughts and images in my head and all those feelings I absorb from other people and situations around me. It can feel as if I have lost my overview and it makes it harder for me to put one and one together, so to speak. In an article recently I’ve read that “people like me” tend to look a bit dumb to some people. Quite the opposite is true as a matter of fact. I am not just talking about myself, but in general. “We” are actually very intelligent, we are just programmed differently. Because of the “chaos” inside of us, we need a bit more time to gather all the outside information, coming in, together. There are also a lot of “positive” sides to these labeled symptoms, except society decided it is wrong, because it differs from the standard norm that is imposed on us from birth. There are so many more symptoms we experience and so divergent from one to another. I could easily write a book about it. At least, that is how it feels sometimes.

Another symptom is the desire of wanting to be alone. Being able to do your own thing, create peace and quiet around you, not wanting to deal with the “madness” around you. Though I feel comfortable being on my own a lot, it can also give you moments of deep sadness and loneliness. On one hand you wish to be alone, but inside there’s also a deep longing for a busy and happy social life, a job that explicitly fits your ideas and feelings concerning a dreamjob. In which you also feel you find the peace and quiet you so desperately need. I often feel entangled in my own goals, wishes, desires and the signs my body, mind and soul seem to give me. Being easily affected by emotions and pretty much all incentives really. Watching the news, for example, is not for me anymore. I read some news here and there, but that’s already more than enough.
I don’t see myself as weak, rather quite the opposite. So much more to write… but this is it for now. Maybe my writing gives you a sense of familiarity, maybe it gives you a little insight to understand me better. Thanks for reading.

Namasté.

 

 

Complexity in soulconnections.

A sudden feeling of disquiet overcomes me. Discomforting sadness arises and deep down I already know what it is about. After receiving response, the cause of this feeling is confirmed. Tears start to flow slowly but uncontrollably, for just a moment. So they will again… and again. Brief moments of deep sadness surprise me in the following days. My heart feels heavy. An innocent heartfelt connection disrupted, because of the things we get taught in this society. The indoctrination of fear, jealousy, anxiety, possession and other comparable aspects. But this is also about the confusion in ourselves, how to deal with being ourselves in this society. How to deal with these deep feelings of connection, feeling comfortably with each other immediately. It feels cruel and so unfair; not being able to express yourself from what you “know” and feel deep down is right. Why does it have to be this hard, to be able to be ourselves and let thoughts and feelings on the loose, run free without other people feeling hurt? I now feel empty, misplaced and misjudged….. again.

A week or two later and I feel… well, most people would say “better”. But is it thát, really? I think I’ve replaced the pain or sadness with some kind of understanding, some kind of peace. Or maybe it’s just being overwhelmed by distraction and put away somewhere in the core of my being, hidden again. My body takes a stance, as if staring into the void. I am here, but I’m not here. Thoughts and images rush through me with a lightspeed, making no sense. At least, that’s what my rational conviction is. Obviously it’s all there for a reason, making sense in some way. Inside it feels like something that needs millions of words to describe, yet there aren’t words found to explain. Only those alike, those connecting on that deep level might have a sense of understanding.

Thinking about you, worried about you, caring about you, despite the fact of not really knowing you. Right? To most human beings this sounds preposterous. Inside however, this all feels like home, like there’s no other way than this way. It feels natural. Our human body and inner core find themselves in conflict, confusing the ego. What is right? What is wrong? Our intuition tells us what is supposed to be, what is. There’s no human right or wrong. Nothing but injected lies, to create a phantasm of control.

It feels like living in parallel worlds, many at once. Through all that chaos and violence of what seems to be the human inner world, there’s is the real you. Always knowing without knowing anything, remembering.

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In our hearts without chains
We explore the imposing mountains
Gazing at the dark sky, filled with stars
Wandering through the depth of forests
Our light guides us to a parallel world

In our hearts without chains
We share thoughts and feelings freely
Unknown to false fear and anger
Acceptance of what is, unconditionally
Seeing in each other, our true Self

In our hearts without chains
Love is seen beyond sight
Beauty is heard beyond sound
We feel beyond touch, forever connected
Through the infinite of wonder

Past life – part 2 (Dutch)

Druppels dansen zacht op een verende ondergrond. Rollend op bladeren, tot zij de grond bereiken. Alle natuur ontwaakt uit haar slaap. Nieuwgeborenen treden leven tegemoet met voorzichtige pas en onwetende blik. Doch, zonder angsten komt een ontdekkingstocht op gang. Een moeder die haar kinderen van een afstandje volgt. Vogels zingen prachtige tonen en nieuw leven baant zich een weg door de grond, naar de oppervlakte. Op zoek naar dat eerste straaltje licht.

Een glimlach schittert in haar ogen. Dagdromend over vroeger, de mooie herinneringen. Het ontroert haar. Samen dansend rond het kampvuur, met sterren die als diamanten een stralend beeld boven ons vormen. Spelende kinderen en de intimiteit van liefhebben. Reizend te voet, door de meest prachtige bossen en heuvels. Het heldere, koude water van de magische waterval weerspiegelt de zonnestralen op haar huid. Een innerlijke, overweldigende energiestroom. Als een arend, hoog in de lucht zwevend, ervaart zij de vrijheid van de natuur.

Bovenop de hoogste heuvel kijkt zij uit over golvende banen groen. Klanken van doedelzakken, een harp en gitaar vullen een oneindige ruimte. Wonderen der natuur vullen de klanken aan, als muzieknoten gespeeld door de aarde. Gevoelens van rust en flow stromen door haar heen. Compleet verbonden, compleet verweven met alles om haar heen. Compleet één.

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Past life – part 1 (Dutch)

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Verlangend naar vrijheid, staart zij voor zich uit. De sterren zijn plots verborgen in de duisternis van de nacht. Als hagel, uit de lucht vallend, zijn zij neergekomen. Om nimmer meer te kunnen stralen aan de hemel. De pijn, vertegenwoordigd door haar stille tranen. Diepe klanken van muziek galmen door haar donkere hart. De herinneringen aan toen, aan hem, golven door haar hele ZIJN.

Tranen vloeien nu rijkelijk. Een zware druk neemt plaats in haar buik. Terwijl het briesje omslaat in een kille harde wind, verkrampt haar hart van verdriet. Een oerwoud vol leven, plots gevuld door immense stilte en heimelijke toeschouwers. Het besef slaat in als bliksem. De beelden van verraad en bloed jagen haar na. Het kind op de vlucht. Ze besluit los te laten en deelt haar pijn met de wildernis. Geluid van een schreeuw als ijs zo koud. Een liefde verloren, een zielsverbintenis vond tragisch de dood.

Lost in universal translation?

Butterflies

On the sofa, candles lit, music flowing through my headphones into my ears and I feel very warm. Not very unusual, I must admit. The warmth, it’s energy racing through my veins, through my entire body. My body aches a bit, but I’m sure it will pass. I really enjoy moments like these; home alone at night,  listening to chill music, being in my own world completely. I visualise an image of myself in a non-material environment. Nothing but air, clouds or something dreamy that’s comparable. Slowly, I’m floating as if I were floating in the sea, enjoying the sun. I am smiling, I feel nothing but peace and love, being very happy.

Yes, often before I have had this image and or feeling. In which I’d love to disappear, simply vanish. Again and again I return to these moments; a strong desire for another place, somewhere in this universe. As a human being I don’t understand one bit of it. I’m not trying to seek the logical explanations for it, when it comes to what or where it supposedly is, that I’m longing for soul-wise. Still, I’m consciously recognizing these moments more and more often lately. Am I going to lose myself in the long run, when I keep going along with this? And, who or what exactly is “myself” truly?

I rarely talk about myself, about what’s constantly going on inside of me. About my feelings, my deep fears, the hurt, the extreme amount of deep unconditional love I have and the need to share it, the leftover pieces of anger still lingering somewhere in me. The “supernatural” I experience daily. If it even is that, because, who determines what’s natural and what isn’t, right? Isn’t everything to be considered a miracle? The process of birth, the process of dying, the way nature shows its beauty. Obviously it’s so much better for one to express all that’s held inside. But, I’ve noticed that I find that quite difficult. I’m great when it comes to coaching people, listening to them, giving others advice and make others feel comfortable. To say and write things that make people think and see the other sides to things. When it comes to my personal, deep inner core, it usually gladly stays hidden. Besides, many people these days aren’t even open to listening to anybody else but themselves. I’m not bitter about this, but I think there’s something wrong with the way people are behaving nowadays, cold and egoistic, if not egotistic. Fortunately that doesn’t count for everybody, obviously.

A couple of days ago I said to someone: “Regularly, it feels like I’m living fifty lives at once. I’m experiencing the feelings of being everybody and everything all together at once.” In a way, that’s a truth, since we all come from one and the same energy, so to speak. I said: “I see things, hear things, feel things, experience so many many things”. Both logical and known, but also unexplainable and non-human. I’m being labeled with AD(H)D, HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I’m not surprised if there are more labels, part of all this. Except, I am not a big believer when it comes to labels. Well, it’s just a name to make it easier to talk about, I guess. But, instead of teaching people how to deal with these situations from birth and see the beautiful things that arise when giving people more freedom with just BEING, all those lables are seen as a illness. An aberration to be treated with chemicals and what not, because it’s not mainstream. Well, a big F*** YOU to society! Why should anybody be treated differently from another? Ah, “sigh”.

Right, all those experiences inside of me. How to even describe them? The way we people communicate, with words, is a major shortcoming. In my opinion, words can never ever completely describe the way you feel or what you experience. NEVER! That is exactly the reason nobody will ever be able to understand you, not completely. Unless that someone [or something] is able to communicate at such a level with you, feelings and experiences will be carried forward with the least of words, if not no words at all.

I feel misunderstood in this world. Maybe even more often misunderstood than understood. I am sure I am not alone in this. Is it a necessity to be understood? Actually, I don’t think so. Maybe feeling like you’re understood, that might trigger more of a happy fullfillment than it would be a necessity, is it not? But feeling like you are understood isn’t the same as actually being understood, let alone being understood completely. In my opinion, the most important thing is for people to be accepting, respectful and to love one another unconditionally. To just let everyone BE. Although,it still seems to become a difficult situation when people don’t at least try to understand each other. Or might that just be pretence?

Lost in an unforgettable vision
Caught in a far-away dream
On a journey to oblivion
Sometimes makes me want to scream

Butterflies set to be my guide
Return home and peacefully stay
Embrace all completely, don’t hide
Be that colourful fountain of lights, everyday

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