Caught in invisible shackles
Blinded by the phantasm of freedom
Tortured by self-inflicted imprisonment
Standing in the midst of it all
Gasping for air, searching for a way out
Ego-stroking zombies, hungry for power
Burning the world around us
We’re strangling ourselves, we’ll feel the blisters,
for we are this world
Some say ignorance is bliss. Others would say thinking just thát is the ignorant part. In the end both are right as they are wrong. I can see some truth in both to be honest. Not knowing can make you worry less, yet unaware of the world at the same time. Doesn’t that make you less self-aware since you are that same world? Many times I experience this world as if I’m standing exactly in the middle of an intersection or roundabout, overseeing it all. It feels like time is moving fast forward and therefore the world around me. All passes me by in the speed of light, so it seems. Just like a million thoughts and images cross my mind in just one simple second. Quite difficult to keep up when trying to make a clear picture of all that. Let alone trying to focus on the reality around you. At the same time I feel I understand everything I experience in that moment. I see, hear, feel it all so clearly. It’s like I process everything a million times faster than people usually do. But does that make it true?
Regularly a feeling of deep sadness befalls me. Thoughts and feelings travelling through me. About my choices and its consequences, what’s been put in my head from birth, what and who is truly me. It’s about random things, people I know or have never met and so on. The indoctrination of my whole being, that led to hiding my true self from this world. Putting on that mask to be malleable. Molded into something I am not, something we all essentially aren’t. When I look around and experience this world, I miss true connection. Not only concerning myself, but the true connection in general, between people and nature. I am aware that nobody’s the same precisely… or are we? In the core we are. People still live (survive) alongside each other, instead of truly living together. Obviously this is not a black and white situation for it is never just one or the other.
I often feel torn between my “ones or anothers”. To live with symptoms, of what society calls ADD/ADHD, HSP and a possible mild personality disorder and depression, turns out to be quite challenging. To put highly spiritually “active” on top of it. I’m not one to (easily) believe in the “labels” people seem to get stuck with so easily, but I do understand the fact a label might make it easier to talk about the effects of the symptoms. Experiencing life in constant extremes can be exhausting, especially when you don’t know how to balance it all. For people who might think what I say is crazy or some sort of affectation, I will try to give you examples of what it feels like on a day to day basis. Because I haven’t found my tricks to retrieve that balance and inner peace yet. Besides the fact that I care less and less about other people’s judgements and preconceptions.
One day I can feel great, full of energy, feeling like I can deal with the whole world at once. It’s like you have a hundred or million times more energy than what is considered to be “a normal healthy energy level”. But most days I feel easily tired or even exhausted to the maximum Sometimes without even doing a lot. Both situations can make it very difficult to focus. It can be caused by walking in the city for an hour or going to a birthday with just five people attending. I am extremely sensitive to incentives, so for me the smallest things or situations can give me way too much incentives. The reaction, physically and/or mentally can vary, so I’m not really aware up front of how I will feel later. Though after all these experiences I can guess a bit nowadays. Sometimes it causes me to want to sleep for days. Sometimes it makes me sick and other times I start to feel nervous, agitated or very emotional, because of the million thoughts and images in my head and all those feelings I absorb from other people and situations around me. It can feel as if I have lost my overview and it makes it harder for me to put one and one together, so to speak. In an article recently I’ve read that “people like me” tend to look a bit dumb to some people. Quite the opposite is true as a matter of fact. I am not just talking about myself, but in general. “We” are actually very intelligent, we are just programmed differently. Because of the “chaos” inside of us, we need a bit more time to gather all the outside information, coming in, together. There are also a lot of “positive” sides to these labeled symptoms, except society decided it is wrong, because it differs from the standard norm that is imposed on us from birth. There are so many more symptoms we experience and so divergent from one to another. I could easily write a book about it. At least, that is how it feels sometimes.
Another symptom is the desire of wanting to be alone. Being able to do your own thing, create peace and quiet around you, not wanting to deal with the “madness” around you. Though I feel comfortable being on my own a lot, it can also give you moments of deep sadness and loneliness. On one hand you wish to be alone, but inside there’s also a deep longing for a busy and happy social life, a job that explicitly fits your ideas and feelings concerning a dreamjob. In which you also feel you find the peace and quiet you so desperately need. I often feel entangled in my own goals, wishes, desires and the signs my body, mind and soul seem to give me. Being easily affected by emotions and pretty much all incentives really. Watching the news, for example, is not for me anymore. I read some news here and there, but that’s already more than enough.
I don’t see myself as weak, rather quite the opposite. So much more to write… but this is it for now. Maybe my writing gives you a sense of familiarity, maybe it gives you a little insight to understand me better. Thanks for reading.